What is the best way to overcome abuse and trauma?

[KLafser]

Do you think it is difficult for a writer to describe abusive situations?

I can't even imagine. In order to do it well, it has to come from a place of experience - whether that is real or imagined, it has to take its toll. I think this particular author does a fantastic job; she is very descriptive so far throughout the book whether it's describing the landscape or the situation. To me, the abuse scenes would be mental torture.

After so many years of reading, I think I have come to understand one thing. The books I loved most are those books that troubled me most, that stirred my most intimate feelings, that made me feel guilty or angry or just happy to be healthy and alive. Linnane is a good storyteller indeed. She allows mature Natalie to tell her own story, a story of abuse and survival. Generally speaking, writing about abuse from personal experience might be incredibly difficult because your natural tendency would be to supress your bad memories and never think of the past again. If the writer manages to overcome his/her own inhibitions and taboos and turn such an experience into fiction, the result may be a genuinely amazing book.

Completely agree with you - my favorites evoked some kind of emotional response in me. The ones that are sometimes difficult to shake off, and that I may need a day or two to assimilate before picking up the next book. Personally, I subscribe to the "write to get it out" club more than to bury it, however, to each there own.

[Cristina Chifane]

This is such a sensitive and tough issue to portray, so yes in answer to the final part of your question yeah it's definitely a difficult one for a writer to describe. However, at the same time I'm glad the author has tackled it because more representation means more raising of general awareness, which hopefully leads to more victims getting the help or advice they need. Even sparking off discussions like this one is a good thing and I'm loving some of the responses above!

This was exactly my intention and I am very glad you mentioned it. Just watch the news! There are still so many cases of abusive situations all around us. A member of your family, a friend, a colleague, a neighbor, we can all find ourselves in intolerable circumstances. My idea is that we need to get involved more, we need to act, we need to help others or ourselves so that such situations would cease to make the headlines and people's lives miserable.

[Cristina Chifane]

Natalie does a good job overcoming her own abuse, by fighting back. I don't think there's any specific best way to overcome abuse, as everyone is different. Talking things out, and learning is an excellent way, though.

I have just started reading the novel, but I know that Natalie becomes emotionally involved with her employer's husband. I was thinking that she passes from one abuser to another in this way. You are right about talking things out. In her case, it would have been great if her mother had supported her or if at least she had confided in other persons of her own age.

I think that's such an accurate view of what happened. Natalie moved from a known abuser to someone who abuses his power over her. I don't think she would've known what to do with herself in a relationship that was healthy for her and supported her at that point. She's never had a model for that behavior or kind of relationship.

For most people overcoming abuse and abusive situations takes time and help. Abused people have developed and been conditioned into a different worldview than others, and it's a difficult view to overcome. It's also a difficult view for authors to find the words to describe unless they've been through that kind of situation.

This is why Natalie sees in Rosemary everything her mother is not and in Bruce the very opposite of what she found revolting in her stepfather. She even imagines Rosemary standing up to Alex the way her mother almost never did. Besides, both Rosemary and Bruce find time to listen to her and encourage her about her aspirations to become an art teacher. She desperately needs a role model and because she cannot find it at home, she tries to look for it somewhere else.

[Cristina Chifane]

Personally, I think that you can tell which authors have experienced abuse themselves from people who have read about it and try to portray it. I think that abuse is so rampant in our society that it is a prominent topic, however, it needs to be given due respect. It can be very hard to depict the effects of abuse as everyone responds to these differently.

We think that people respond to abuse differently, but maybe it's just an illusion. Every abused person passes through a number of stages - denial, rebellion, defiance, anger, compliance, self-pity, etc. What frightens me most is that some people end up living in an abusive situation all their lives. Books like this teach us not only about the consequences of abuse, but also that there is always a way out, we should just never give up. Every tiny decision we make may change our lives for the better.

[Cristina Chifane]

Everyone deals with abuse differently and I don't know if there is one right way. I think the best way is to try to get out of the situation and call the authorities, but I have never been in that situation so maybe it's easy for me to say. Some people stay with their abusers for years and some end up paying with their lives. It's obviously horrible. I think writing about abuse can be hard, especially if the author has been abused themselves. Escaping abuse through art makes sense, as people use their creative side and their imagination to get away from the terrible reality of their situation.

Your answer just made me realise one thing. Writing about abuse or finding a refuge in art in general does not mean the abuse ends. They are good ways to get away, but escaping in an alternate reality altogether may prove equally dangerous. For example, Natalie finds herself fantasizing of bad things happening to Alex or of herself killing him in a painful manner. She is extremely vulnerable and unstable and this may lead to potentially explosive situations. Besides, let's not forget she is only 16.

[Cristina Chifane]

I think Natalie shows strength of character and does a good job overcoming her own abuse. She is a fighter, and I respect that.

Irrespective of what has been done to you, it’s up to you to decide what to do with it. Pain can have a strong transformative power and way of leading people in the right directions. I know it’s easier said than done, but speaking up is the first step someone can take in such a situation.

I guess there is no way out rather than fighting for what you want. People may help an abused person and this may mean a lot, but they cannot live for the abused. You are right about the pain. Even if it feels overwhelming, unless you learn to live with it, you may never know its transformative side you mentioned.

[Cristina Chifane]

I must say, I had trouble reading through the abusive sections in the book. I am lucky enough to say that I have never, nor have I ever known anyone that has struggled with any form of abuse. I think it must be a very difficult subject to write about, and for sufferers to read about.
I also don't think there is any right or wrong way to deal with it. Everyone is different, but asking for help is always a good start

Imagine what it must feel like for people like Irma or Natalie if you had a hard time only by reading the abuse sections in the book. Rejection of whatever is violent and aggressive is a normal reaction. People always have this tendency of thinking that such things can't happen to them. I think we have to ask ourselves: what if? what is the best thing to do in this case? are we strong enough to say no to the abuser?

[Cristina Chifane]

I have never been abused but I was traumatized due to my illness awhile back. It took me a lot of encouragement from my parents and family members to overcome it but most of all something that helped me was my faith in myself. So it depends on us to how to handle these feelings and in the end it feels nice to get past them.

Thank you so much for your answer. I think I have somehow reached the same conclusion. Nobody can live for you. You have to fight your own battles and prove to yourself you can do it. The feeling of satisfaction that comes with it may be enough to help you get going.

[Cristina Chifane]

The abusive father is just one person in the equation. The people who are just observing this father abuses his daughter are also responsible. Overcoming trauma and abuse is difficult and I can relate to the story. I wasn't much physically abused but was verbally and mentally abused by my parents, especially my dad. I had to take refuge in art too to help me go trhough it. I am still going through it though. Some days you thought you've overcome it but there would be days where it comes right back up in your mind and in your dreams. Being a writer myself too, writing abusive scenes works both ways: it is difficult if you've been through it because you have to reopen the wounds and it's like you're reliving it. Second, i realized writing and talking about it helps you in accepting and facing what happened.

Thank you for sharing this. I am sorry for what happened to you. I know that parents can become abusive even in those cases when they have no intention of doing it or they don't actually mean it. Besides, a child always loves his parents and looks up to them. Think of Natalie and her mother. She still loves her mother dearly altough Irma is a silent witness to her daughter's abuse. What is more, their roles are reversed and Natalie assumes the role of the mother trying to protect her and being willing to do anything not to see her cry again.

Writing about a traumatic experience is indeed as tough as it can get, but I am thinking like this. You already live that thing over and over again, maybe something will change if you just pour it out on paper. Maybe you'll see things differently, maybe you'll add another perspective and you'll see everything through different eyes. One way or another, it may be worth a try in spite of the trauma itself of having to relive the painful moment.

[Cristina Chifane]

In my personal view, no one person is responsible for abuse, the victim also plays an active role as the enabler. And chances are, the same pattern will be repeated in the life of the abused - which shows that it is something ingrained in them. And the way to heal is to free oneself form the original core event and the emotions surrounding it. It requires deeper healing. Otherwise, chances are they will continue to attract abusive partners in adulthood.

Yes, it's the danger of a vicious neverending cycle, but I don't think the victim can be placed on the same level with the perpetrator. The victim does have an active role, yet she is not responsible for the initiation of the violent act. However, I understand your point of view and I am afraid of its implications. I am thinking of Shirley in the novel. She is only 11, but she is already imitating her father's behavioral pattern. She becomes abusive with her 5 year-old sister or even with Natalie. She is the one who snitches on Natalie about the missing cow and she is the only one who does not come by her sister's bedside when Natalie helplessly lies there after Alex's merciless physical correction. In time, she may become a genuine abuser herself.

[Cristina Chifane]

Fortunately, my exposure to abuse in my own life has been minimal but when I was facing it I turned to writing as an outlet. I also turned to those who I knew loved me and it helped a lot.

You can consider yourself lucky. I just want to give you one example: what happens if the ones you thought they loved you most are exactly those who end up abusing you and making you pass through the most traumatic experience? How can you rebuild your self-confidence and, most importantly, how can you trust people ever again?

[Nanig83006]

I have just started reading the novel, but I know that Natalie becomes emotionally involved with her employer's husband. I was thinking that she passes from one abuser to another in this way. You are right about talking things out. In her case, it would have been great if her mother had supported her or if at least she had confided in other persons of her own age.

I think that's such an accurate view of what happened. Natalie moved from a known abuser to someone who abuses his power over her. I don't think she would've known what to do with herself in a relationship that was healthy for her and supported her at that point. She's never had a model for that behavior or kind of relationship.

For most people overcoming abuse and abusive situations takes time and help. Abused people have developed and been conditioned into a different worldview than others, and it's a difficult view to overcome. It's also a difficult view for authors to find the words to describe unless they've been through that kind of situation.

This is why Natalie sees in Rosemary everything her mother is not and in Bruce the very opposite of what she found revolting in her stepfather. She even imagines Rosemary standing up to Alex the way her mother almost never did. Besides, both Rosemary and Bruce find time to listen to her and encourage her about her aspirations to become an art teacher. She desperately needs a role model and because she cannot find it at home, she tries to look for it somewhere else.

I'm so glad you mention her admiration to Rosemary and Bruce! I mentioned it in another discussion, but this is what leads Natalie into an extramarital affair. She believes (and kind of is) getting something from the relationship that she's not getting at home: A reliable and trustworthy adult in her life (something neither her mother or step-father are).

[Cristina Chifane]

For Natalie's case, for example, she can deal with this issue in only one way and that is to report! Report to all the relevant individuals and authorities that can assist her and the rest of the family from the evil acts of the alcoholic father.

Maybe there was no one to report to at the time of the story or even if it had been, that would only have meant worse conditions for Natalie. Besides, she loved her mother, her grandfather, her brother and her sisters. I know you're right about reporting and external pressure might change people's behavior, but I don't think anybody can come up with an immediate miraculous solution to abuse.

[Cristina Chifane]

Most of time people who is in abuse relationship try to get help. But some of them is very afraid to do so.

You are right. I think overcoming our biggest fear is in fact the greatest challenge of all. Once we do this, we realise we can reach the moon.

[Cristina Chifane]

I think the journey of overcoming abuse is different for everyone. Survivors each heal in their own way as they struggle to find their way back to the path of recovery.

You made me think of Sisyphus forever rolling the rock up and down the mountain track. Everything is a matter of finding joy in that, isn't it?