What is the best way to overcome abuse and trauma?

[Cristina Chifane]

I don't know...I have met people who recovered best by doing a lot of delving, and others who preferred to put one foot in front of the other more.
I really enjoy Toni Morrison's writing too, but the intensity means it takes a while to read one--still think "The Bluest Eye" is the best since she kept it simple.

From personal experience, being reminded that you are not alone in your struggle and that others have passed through similar if not worse experiences helps a lot.

As far as Toni Morrison is concerned, I guess the intensity of her writing is precisely the thing I love most about her style. This may happen because I also live life to the fullest in spite of the danger of being constantly hurt.

[Cristina Chifane]

In the past, we used to have the benefit of community living, where everybody's life was everyone's business. This can aid in prevention of abuse, because it will be easily discovered. Healing is more difficult and takes more than community.

Correct. I also believe that community pressure can still do wonders. You are right about healing, though. This is a different matter and it requires a lot of patience and determination.

[Cristina Chifane]

What is your view on the matter? Is the alcoholic father the only responsible in the family equation? Which are the best means of responding to abuse and other traumatic experiences? Do you think it is difficult for a writer to describe abusive situations?

I think the alcoholic father is the main responsible one in the family. The best way to respond is to leave the situation.
To deal with something so bad you need a support group. Taking up a hobby like art or sewing and keeping yourself active in sports is the only way to deal with stress. But you probably can never force someone to change. If you stay away long enough they will learn the consequences of their behavior. It's the only way they will change I think.
[/quote]

Keeping yourself busy may work, but not on the long run. All it takes is one moment in which your mind wanders freely and you will remember the abuse. Something you taste, smell, hear or see may suddenly remind you of the traumatic experience. I have just remebered Marcel Proust and his famous madeleine. Our memories are not always beautiful and our mind has its way of tricking us into bringing back what we would give anything to forget.

[Cristina Chifane]

I would agree with the recommendation of therapy but, based on my own experience, I would specifically focus on two ideas. First, is to work toward getting to a place of forgiveness. This is not an easy thing and requires releasing the pain and resentment first. However, forgiveness is ultimately not for the benefit of the abuser but rather for the person who has been abused. I sincerely believe that, without this, one continues to hold on to their core of pain, no matter how much therapy and behavior modification they experience. Second, I think conscious self awareness is a critical element. By this I mean the ability to recognize when one's reactions to current situations are being triggered by unconscious past memories of trauma and abuse. Conscious response re-patterning is essential.

Theoretically, I have reached the same conclusions. Thank you. It feels good to know you're not the only one thinking like this. Practically, it is incredibly hard to make your ideas work. I know people who cry out their abuse for the world to hear and take action and guess what? Nothing happens. I also know people who silence the voice of their past and pretend nothing had ever happened and guess what again? It did happen and it still affects them. Forgiving is very good for the abused and it gives one the feeling of being the better person and somehow filling your heart with love and positivism. Conscious self-awareness and repatterning are a different story because even if you become self-aware of your unconscious response to the past traumatic experience, you have the tendency of feeling justified to react in that manner. I have been trying to reprogram myself this way and I am not always successful. I'll keep trying.

[dorerogers1]

My understanding is that when someone hurts or abuses a person, they also take their power or hold a form of power over them. Speaking from my personal experience, the first action is to realize the abuse and mistreatment for what it is. Realize that no person on this planet has the right to abuse or mistreat another. Then find safety and expose the situation, find supportive, safe, and healing people to communicate with. The individual should begin to connect with him or herself and realize that they are valued and needed and should not be hurt or abused. They should begin to carry this within himself or herself no matter what the outer circumstances. This will take time but it's the life and right of the person in this experience and the time spent healing and recovering the true, wonderful, safe and secure self is well worth it.

[azerikaj]

I don't know...I have met people who recovered best by doing a lot of delving, and others who preferred to put one foot in front of the other more.
I really enjoy Toni Morrison's writing too, but the intensity means it takes a while to read one--still think "The Bluest Eye" is the best since she kept it simple.

From personal experience, being reminded that you are not alone in your struggle and that others have passed through similar if not worse experiences helps a lot.

As far as Toni Morrison is concerned, I guess the intensity of her writing is precisely the thing I love most about her style. This may happen because I also live life to the fullest in spite of the danger of being constantly hurt.

Yes, intensity can be great...I welcome it a lot of the time. They just aren't, I don't know, "beach reads,", but if you make the effort, they are usually worth it.

[ostercl]

Talk about a loaded question... So many factors go into how a person will be effected and react from personal trauma. People interpret day to day events in different ways, so I personally think it would be impossible to pinpoint the exact manor in which someone should deal with something like trauma. It would be interesting to survey the "more successful" methods, however.

[TaaraLynn]

I would agree with the recommendation of therapy but, based on my own experience, I would specifically focus on two ideas. First, is to work toward getting to a place of forgiveness. This is not an easy thing and requires releasing the pain and resentment first. However, forgiveness is ultimately not for the benefit of the abuser but rather for the person who has been abused. I sincerely believe that, without this, one continues to hold on to their core of pain, no matter how much therapy and behavior modification they experience. Second, I think conscious self awareness is a critical element. By this I mean the ability to recognize when one's reactions to current situations are being triggered by unconscious past memories of trauma and abuse. Conscious response re-patterning is essential.

Forgiveness is key. I forgave right after it happened and walked away. I thought I was fine, but I still had to work on me. Yet, also forgive myself which is even harder. Even now, I feel like I'm not fully there because of how I respond to certain situations and there's a small thing in the back of my mind which brings me back to those moments. Getting there.

[Eileen R]

Unfortunately many people suffer from verbal, physical and psychological abuse in silence. It does take a lot of courage to fight back and seek help.One of the ways that someone can seek help is by talking to someone whether it's a professional, a close friend or a family member. However, it can take years for you to start healing.

[kina]

The mother is definitely an enabler of the alcoholic father and contributes to the abuse by allowing Natalie to be the protector of her mother and siblings. While it is a dark situation, children shouldn't be forced to be protectors of their parents in a dangerous situation like abuse. Every abusive situation is different and one way is to completely cut abusers out of people's lives and seeking help for themselves, such as cutting contact and moving away to get therapy. It's frowned upon because there is no forgiveness of the abuser, but sometimes abusers should not and cannot be forgiven for multiple reasons.

Writing abuse can be hard for two reasons. If the writer has never experienced abuse and is just taking tropes from media and not doing research, it will be hard. Or, if they're writing from experience it can be hard because it brings up old feelings and trauma from the abuse.

[briellejee]

The abusive father is just one person in the equation. The people who are just observing this father abuses his daughter are also responsible. Overcoming trauma and abuse is difficult and I can relate to the story. I wasn't much physically abused but was verbally and mentally abused by my parents, especially my dad. I had to take refuge in art too to help me go trhough it. I am still going through it though. Some days you thought you've overcome it but there would be days where it comes right back up in your mind and in your dreams. Being a writer myself too, writing abusive scenes works both ways: it is difficult if you've been through it because you have to reopen the wounds and it's like you're reliving it. Second, i realized writing and talking about it helps you in accepting and facing what happened.

Writing about a traumatic experience is indeed as tough as it can get, but I am thinking like this. You already live that thing over and over again, maybe something will change if you just pour it out on paper. Maybe you'll see things differently, maybe you'll add another perspective and you'll see everything through different eyes. One way or another, it may be worth a try in spite of the trauma itself of having to relive the painful moment.

Yes. i too believe that writing gives you different perspectives. it somehow gives light on things.

[Jamasenu]

In my opinion, you must have good friends you can count on. You must be determined not to allow your current circumstances to hinder your progression. You must pray without ceasing at all times to whatever superior being you believe in.

[Banowants2read]

There is no one answer fit all . Every situation is slightly different than the other one. We need to 1st recognize our stress leave and take it from there the amount of there.

[Misael Carlos]

I think the best way to overcome abuse and trauma is to get psychiatric help. Professional support must be provided because healing is a process and a professional help makes the process start on the right foot. Added to this is to never isolate oneself and get the most comfort from support groups like family and friends.

[Omoye+]

Everyone is different and every situation is different, so I think there are many different ways of responding. Now, victims of this type of abuse can seek professional counseling and there are many non-profit organizations to help people get out of these types of situations, but in the time period the book is set in that wasn't the case. It would have been much harder for the mother to find a means of supporting herself and her children if she decided to leave. That being said, no the father isn't the only one responsible. The mother should be standing up for her children, not the other way around. Her father also lives with them and allows his daughter and grandchildren to be treated that way? Either of them could seek help outside the family to get out of the situation and they choose not to. I think it would be hard to write about abusive situations, but not impossible. This author does a good job, in my opinion, of showing the different responses from the different family members in Natalie's home.

Unfortunately, there are still so many countries in the world where things happen exactly as in Natalie's case in the '50s or even worse. I am thinking of a wonderful novel I've read that made me cry - A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini. I only wish there were more professionals or organizations to help people in Natalie's situation.

I totally agree with your analysis here as the saying goes, a problem shared is a problem half-solved so talking about with it especially with a professional alleviates the pain instilled by the abuse. And a mother has to serve a shield for her children in cases of such.